It has been a month since my last post; and in all honesty, I’ve been struggling a bit to find the motivation to write, mind elsewhere, always feeling spent. It’s not that I don’t have much to write about, it’s that I feel exhausted all the time and I can’t seem to pinpoint the cause. And so I decided to take a break, minimized my to-do list, focused on the last stretch of summer vacation and school startup with the kids during the past few weeks.
I don’t regret the decision, though I still feel drained and so easily tired. I think there’s an internal imbalance causing my energy level to be at it’s lowest. I would like to think it’s just me needing some rest; but, it’s not normal for me to be this way for this long, especially since I am getting plenty of rest.
So, I went to get my blood tested. I have a feeling the result won’t be good. I tried to get the result over the phone, as instructed by my doctor. I heard the hesitation in the nurse’s voice on the other line as she checked my medical record on her computer. She set me an appointment instead. My primary physician is on vacation and so I will be seeing someone new.
Seeing a new doctor is not bad, from experience. My primary physician, 7 years ago, just kept ordering more meds and physical therapy for me when I started showing sciatica symptoms. After several months of prescribed treatments, I ended up seeing a new doctor to get my prescription pain meds refilled. After a few initial questions that day, he ordered a diagnostic scan of my spine area. That’s how my whole cancer journey began. This was pre-vegan days.
In the meantime, when I’m not taking care of the essentials – making the kids lunch at 5 am (kids go on the bus around 6 am), helping out with homework while making dinner, taking care of our GSD – whatever adulting duties I need to get done, I laze away on the sofa in between, in front of the TV, binging on shows I find interesting, half paying attention to the story line that fits my fancy, until I fall asleep. I couldn’t even muster the focus to enjoy a good read.
Conjuring sleep is an easy feat for me. I’m the type who drinks coffee at night and still have no problem sleeping soon after. There is one exception to this that I remember. Once I was given caffeine straight into my my blood stream to get rid of headache caused by spinal chemo therapy gone wrong. Did you know caffeine is a cure to headache? I didn’t, until 7 years ago. But that’s a whole other story. That day, despite the mental strain, I stared at the ceiling in my bedroom after being in the emergency room for hours, begging sleep to come. I couldn’t shut my mind. It was surreal.
These days I watch the days come and go, not doing much more than what is needed. Maybe I didn’t get much sleep the night before. Maybe I don’t get enough protein. Maybe I’m dehydrated. Maybe I’m low on some specific vitamins. Maybe it’s because I’m vegan, though I seriously doubt it’s the cause. There’s a lot of maybes that can be thrown around. I am hoping that this blood test will set things in motion. Something’s off and it needs to get fixed. I will know more next week. For the mean time I ride it out. I will keep you posted.